Like a bad soap opera character, I have returned

Well, after an interesting couple of weeks I have returned. That span of time has included some nasty stomach issues and a 1000 mile round trip with the family. Wanna know what makes Illinois in autumn look like a prelude to living in the arctic? This:

This is where we lived previously. Quick note to those living in southern Appalachia, don’t move. Trading this for most other locales ranks right up there with drafting Sam Bowie before Michael Jordan. Do not become the Portland Trailblazers of the “I want to live here” world. They made a similar call with Oden later. I can only assume that we have learned and will not seek out oasis like settings such as Kansas or Iowa when we take our show on the road again in a few years.

Instead, we’ll get this soon enough:

Welcome to Hell, here’s your shovel. Thanks to our incredibly fun drought this summer, we’ve also been staring at bare fields for about a month now. Time to feed the topography to cows in other states I guess. However, I will say that I am thankful for one thing about Illinois. It is flat. When it comes to running, that is awesome. Looking out across portions of Tennessee, Kentucky, and Virginia, I could only imagine the pain that could be caused by all those hills. There must be more people who take up running in the Midwest than in the South. Who in their right mind would look at all those elevation changes and say,”Huh, I bet I could run up and down those hills.” If I ever feel that my body is worth a little less to me, I’ll run from Cumberland Gap, TN to Jonesville, VA. It is amazing, you just keep going up. It was something I had never noticed until I began running. It would be a 35 mile run, under 10 miles more than a marathon. I hope that I never dislike myself enough to take on such a challenge.

For those of you who have never traveled such a distance with two kids, eight and two, let me shed some light on this process. While both were pretty well behaved, there is the entertainment issue. We bought a new DVD player for our car and it has two 9 inch screens. As an aside, I don’t think the first TV I had in my room had a 9 inch screen. Every show looked like Pong in color. The little paddles made noise, similar to voices, and the ball usually represented one of the shorter characters on G.I. Joe or Transformers. By the way, both of those shows beat the hell out of cartoons today. I’m not sure you can force any more learning opportunities or social lessons into cartoons. Did G.I. Joe have any lessons? Yep, get rid of bad guys. Same lesson in Transformers and He-Man. Sorry, I think G.I. Joe did some reading PSA at the end of the show. That is the proper place, after the gunfire and explosions. There are very few cartoon characters left that impart no messages related to learning, growth, or development. The is one great exception:

Adventure Time is awesome. My daughter loves it. So do I. My wife thinks less of me every time I watch it. But this is not something that was on the playlist for our trip. We have the Backyardigans and Curious George for the Big O to watch. He is two and this passes for entertainment in his eyes. Let’s break this down. Do you know what Curious George really is? He is a smaller version of this:

That’s right. One day Curious George will pry open your mouth and note that he cannot see a soul in your pathetic little human body. Really, I get that the guy in the cartoon has some issues. He dresses in all yellow and wears an incredibly large hat. He also does things like leave the house and ask the monkey to cook a dinner for ten people. George also has a rudimentary knowledge of mechanical engineering and the ability to control other animals. General Thade, sorry I mean George, seems to be a little too bright for my liking. Some day Captain bright clothes is going to come home and find George slow roasting the cat while fashioning armor from stainless steel cookware. Thanks yellow guy, you’ve hastened the downfall of human society.

If I suspend disbelief and consider what might be worse than monkeys taking over, I can come up with one thing that stands out:

I’d rather play manservant to the apes and risk a Sean Connery style frontal lobotomy than face more hours in the car with the Backyardigans. Really? Pablo is some sort of penguin mutation with long legs. Austin is consistently discriminated against and makes fairly rare appearances. This is probably due to the fact that he is a kangaroo, which makes parents think of The Wiggles, which in turn makes parents drink heavily and neglect their children. What about the pink thing? Uniqua isn’t even an animal. She’s some kind of super bug looking thing. I guess that is where someone hit the creative wall. “Hmmm… hippo, moose, kangaroo, and mutant penguin. There are so few animals left. We’ll just make up something that would be scary as hell if it existed in real life.” Now we have Uniqua. Thank you bottom of the barrel writer guy. Probably the same guy that gave us Orko on He-Man.

The worst part about this show is that they miss some really good opportunities to entertain parents. For example, one of the mind numbing episodes has the hippo as a Siren. They play Siren Says to get something. Hippo/Siren goes brain dead and lets mutant penguin win. Anybody know how some people have described Sirens?

“”Lolling there in their meadow, round them heaps of corpses rotting away, rags of skin shriveling on their bones.”

We get a daft hippo that can’t win at Simon Says.

I am a deficient blogger

So I’ve been blog lazy. It is an occupational hazard when you have a family, a job, etc…

Anyway, the family and I have a trip to make and I’ll be out of the loop for a few more days. Until then, I don’t want anyone to suffer through the drudgery of everyday life without something to read. Some links:

The Chive  Daily Afternoon Randomness

FBI Stuff on Hunter S. Thompson

If NFL QB’s Were FB Friends (Awesome)

Stupidity… Yoko Ono and Gaga Style

Royalty, Soccer Players, and a Hot Tub are a Bad Idea

Hire of Local Moron Gives Nation Hope for Employment

1977 JC Penny’s Catalog

Captain Planet Re-visited

Luck Rabbit’s Foot

Mmmmmm… Victory.

TI has assured that there will be another Creed album

You heard that correctly and I cannot help but post this. TI saved Scott Stapp’s life. If there was something more unlikely than me deciding to run a marathon, this is truly it.

Yeah, this guy:

You’ll remember him as the guy that belted out so-called “rock” songs in the 90′s. Apparently he attributes part of the life saving stuff to a shared love of Alabama football. I may be wrong, but I think TI served some time not too long ago. I try to avoid any type of celebrity news, but that seems familiar. So he chose to turn over a new leaf and he has totally screwed society by almost assuring that Creed releases another album at some point.

Uh. No. Why is pierced nipple guy laying his head on the shoulder of scared of tattoos guy? Little bit iffy for a band with some religious influence. Best quote ever “If you play a Creed record backwards it recites satanic messages. Even more disturbing, if you play it normally, it plays Creed songs.”

Just when I thought I could bring children into a Creed-free world, TI has dashed my hopes. Damn you TI. I’m not exactly sure if this even occurred recently, but that doesn’t matter. Do you know what Creed led to? Nickelback. That’s right. If we had always maintained a Creed free world, there would be no Nickelback.

What in the hell am I supposed to tell my kids? Why could Scott Stapp, all drugged up and hallucinating, have run into a rapper without a conscience? What if he looked up and saw:

Yep, you’d be screwed Scott. I’m not 100% sure, but DMX might just kick you and rob you. Because he can. Then he’d make some barking noises, a couple references to the fact that he just kicked you, and speed off on a late 90′s Kawasaki Ninja. But the implications of the TI vs. DMX finding your dumb ass bleeding and on the ground is not the main question, the future of rock music is. I saw that Stapp made some list of “Best Hard Rock Vocalists.” No. We will not go there.

Pro tip: If you are ever assaulted by DMX and he yells “WHAT!”, do not answer. It is not really a question.

I like my rock musicians as screwed up as humanly possible. Creed is the band that once discussed why they stopped drinking before shows. Does anyone here think Lemmy Kilmister ever said to the Motorhead guys, “Hey lads, maybe abusing alcohol before the show throws us off a wee bit. Let’s try it sober this time.” Hell no. That is why Satan does not allow Lemmy to die. He’s not ready to hand over control of the underworld yet. When Lemmy does choose to die, Satan will retire to a mid-70′s mobile home somewhere in northeast Arizona.

My final part of this argument is the fact that Stapp says he was coming down off a prednisone addiction. Prednisone? You seriously couldn’t come up with anything better than a steroid that most peoples’ grandparents use commonly. Disclaimer: I get that drug addictions can be serious as hell. With that out of the way, do you know what real rock stars get addicted to? Anything but frigging prednisone. That is kind of like saying that your life went down the shitter because of your Advil addiction. C’mon man.

So, we still have Scott Stapp. I am not a total bastard as I do not like to see anyone die, for the most part. I can get behind the regulars (Hitler, Franco, etc…). But why is it that we are now assured that he’s going to take this second chance at life, one that many may not get, and punish us by making new music. Dammit TI, I blame you for this. If they make another record, I fully expect you to tour with them and Nickelback. Let’s see if that doesn’t bring out a little DMX in you.

Apology to some for blocked comments

Hey, I just found out that the filter used by WordPress is blocking some comments from readers. I just want to apologize for the oversight. I’m a rookie blogger. As for those incredibly authentic comments regarding discrete personal encounters and one from a “Mr. Ladyboy,” I’m just gonna let the spam filter do its thing.

One hint, if you include any type of link in your comment the WordPress spam filter assumes that you are not a genuine comment. It also seems to dislike comments originating in Europe. I don’t discriminate, my uncontrollable spam filter does. The thing is practically sentient.

Sorry again. I’m not ignoring anyone. Feel free to comment away.
VCS

Ugh

Wow, today’s weather sucks. Dark, dreary, and begging to suck out all ambition that I may have. Fortunately, I have ways around this. Come with me, on a little journey, out of the rain and darkness. If it isn’t raining where you live, pretend dammit or just read this at night.

I have adopted a logo for my marathon quest.

Very nice. I like to keep it classy. Within a week or two of someone learning that I was training for a marathon, they inevitably referenced the picture of the guy who crapped himself while running. Thanks. I appreciate that people like to get those out of the way early. Fortunately I run in the country at night, if there is ever an issue during training I’ll just need some soft leaves. If any of my neighbors are reading this, I am joking. Maybe. Depends on where I am at the time.

When I saw this, I flashed back to all the times people simply stare when you run by. I haven’t figured that out yet. To date, I haven’t had a third leg growing from my head or out of my ass so I’m not sure what is so interesting. To be honest, if you are outside and I’m the most interesting thing going, you need a hobby. The staring people are only eclipsed on the asshole spectrum by those who aren’t aware of what happens when you drive fast on a gravel road. Wow, you mean I made all that dust with my little V-10 Dodge with tires the size of an adolescent elephant? Yes drivers, this is the case. If you decide to pay tribute to your redneck roots every time you pass me, I end up breathing a dusty smog. Diesel drivers get a special eff you.

Have you ever had to deal with Mr. Likes to Gun the Big Diesel So It Fires Out a Cloud of Black Smoke? This guy is the urinal cake of society. Do you know what owning an absurdly huge diesel truck makes you? Someone who intentionally decided to go broke paying for fuel. Unless you still live at home, which is highly likely. She warned you not to gun the engine near the house or you’d lose the best allowance a 37 year old man could hope to earn. That’s why you turn into Johnny Jackass, super race truck driver extraordinaire, when you get a little way down the road. Moron.

Have you ever noticed how there are a lot of runners who look like they follow the Keith Richards/Tom Waits fitness routine? I see some of these people and think,”Wow, how much crack do you have to eat for breakfast each day to get that kind of look?” A lot of times this is followed by the harsh realization that these people are just in ungodly good shape. That is how damn dumb I am. This goes back to the old guys stripping down to their grape smugglers at the half and then proceeding to finish thirty minutes before me. These are the people that didn’t need Chevrolet to build a car like the Malibu with all its extra space for ever growing Americans. I have been warned by my wife that, if I were to stay really committed and keep running for years to come, that she is in no way down with the Mo Farrah physique. I have assured her that this should not be an issue, but we need to be proactive. Strategically placed steaks, fajitas, and cider will assure that Mo and I don’t start sharing jeans.

Sorry, just like NASCAR and cycling, I can’t believe anyone would physically show up to watch running. Really, running. Running makes tennis look like the Death Race 3000.

Love having the kid in the picture. Nice timing by the photographer. “Mom! God you embarrass me all the time. This is the same reason we aren’t allowed back in church.” That is wrong. She could be making money for tuition. Why are there towels on the couch? Was it already there? Did she bring them from work? If the lap dances are free, that kid could probably mature pretty quickly if he had $20.

I know a couple Kenyan guys. They weren’t particularly angry. I’m pretty sure this kid didn’t make the sign. I wish I had a witty way of making fun of it. The look on his face just says,”Someone in my family is a fucking idiot.” Obviously, look at that hair. It’s a pre-Bieber. Or he’s training to go to Alabama.

Why do these people show up everywhere? Really? You went for a psychological pick me up and missed by a country mile. Thanks dumb ass friend, I could’ve been reminded about my strength, endurance, drive… but I’m told that I’m smart and pretty. Sign lady looks pretty into the cheering thing as well. Could this really be something that would go through a person’s mind while running 26 miles? I can’t even fathom that type of insecurity. There’s no way in hell this person leaves their house on a regular basis. I can only hope that Princess Super Supportive the Friend is some strange hanger on, that showed up with a Single White Female doppelganger thing going on, and will later be throwing pebbles at her friend’s window while softly whispering,”I think you accidentally blocked my number. Do you want to take ballroom dance lessons or not?” Jesus, what a terrible sign.

I want my wife to hold one of these during my race, with my picture under it. On the flip side I want it to say “Show me your boobs” so I can flash the crowd.  In all honesty, do you know what I want my sign to say. Nothing. Signs at races are about as useful as common sense in politics

The Internet Centipede…or Links

Okay, it is obvious that there is stuff I like and stuff I don’t like. The movie reference isn’t an indication of what I like. It sucked. Here are some links to the first category:

the Chive Daily Afternoon Randomness

My favorite new site, One Star Reviews

Why sideline reporting is useless

Olympic athlete talking trash to a guy in a wheelchair

Circumcisions were illegal in Germany?

Cool Ranch Doritos as a granulated snack topper?

Must have the collapsible AT AT chair

The Iron Sheik has a Twitter account and sells merchandise

Poorly Drawn Lines

Firefox rules. Helping you bypass FB data collection.

Holy Crap… the world comes to my doorstep, and I’m probably in the bathroom

So I’m not really sure what went on yesterday. A good day at VCS means 90 or 100 visitors to the blog. Above 120 is awesome and over 150 has only happened once. Yesterday there were 429 visitors from 13 different countriesto this this little blog I call a home. Oh yeah, ankle on the mend, hitting the road again on Friday, and VCS is reaching new heights. I can only hope that this was not a result of people looking for ways to hide from conversations and FB messages about the debate. Running a marathon will be pretty sweet. Getting people to drop by and read/comment on a batch of weird and varied posts is cool too.

There is only one way to describe this such a great reaction to VCS:

Now we’re getting somewhere. As a tribute to the day VCS went all kinds of hits crazy, I have compiled a list of other things that are awesome. I can only hope that some of these things find there way into your life as well:

1. TRUE KeyTool

This is why ThinkGeek exists. 422 grade stainless, eight different tools, and an ego boost that will make you feel like you are MacGyver and 007′s love child. Apparently this thing is geared more toward the IT set, but it works just fine for me. I grew up in a household with an IT person, it wasn’t called that at the time. Do you know what infuriates most people? Computers. Do you know what a lot of IT people do? Fix computers that have been screwed up by people like me. Wonder what it would be like to know that every time the phone rang it was someone calling to say,”Yeah, uh, I was just using Microsoft Word and all of a sudden I got these pop up ads for online gambling and animal porn. Could you maybe come fix it, now, please?” In a previous life at another place, we actually had one fairly high ranking guy who wouldn’t call IT for any reason because of all the personal stuff he had on his PC. If I was doing my taxes at work, I probably wouldn’t call them either.

The best story I ever heard was from some hospital IT guys. They had some hospital employee that would call them if she couldn’t find a particular icon on her desktop. After months of getting calls about her “disappearing” MS Word icon, one of the guys finally snapped. He logged in to her computer, resized the icon to 5X5 and waited for her to come in the next day. Keep in mind, this is roughly ten years ago and we are not talking about widescreen monitors. Think about your standard, my company doesn’t really value me size of monitor. Needless to say, employee comes in, freaks out, and calls IT in a panic because there is a virus making her icons bigger. Needless to say, they bought themselves another 45 minutes dealing with her and assuring her that all her icons were not going to balloon up to 5X5. She was afraid it would hurt the screen.

2.

Yep, that is Frank Lloyd Wright’s Fallingwater in LEGO form. Do you know anyone who is not convinced about the awesomeness of LEGO? Any friends that are acquainted with the genius of FLW? Build one of these bad boys and throw it out on the coffee table. BOOM! What’s up now obviously lame friends? Now you’re interested. Now we might be capable of being seen in public together.

Don’t worry, I’ll even double down on FLW LEGO.

Do your kids like LEGOs? If yes, then you have very bright children with a wonderful future ahead of them. Kid’s don’t like LEGO? Maybe you should try physical intimidation. Most kids are relatively small compared to their parents, especially if you begin the bullying at an early age. This strategy improves your kids in two ways. First, they like to play with LEGOs because mommy’s face gets really red when she’s laying down the law half an inch from her little angel’s face. Second, do you know which kids don’t have problems with bullies at school? Kids with parents who adopt my strategy. Oh, Billy the big mean fifth grader told you that you had to give him your pudding? I’m sorry Mrs. Smith, our daughter is in first grade and we didn’t realize that she could get a pudding cup shoved up there. I hope Billy can sit down normally sometime in the near future.

Author’s Note: Don’t physically intimidate your kids. You’ll be old one day. Old people can’t fight for shit. Your child or children will come seeking revenge at some point.

3. Franchise fitted hats

It doesn’t have to be Vandy, but it helps. I am a long time hat wearer, in part due to the fact that I have a funny shaped head. It wasn’t until I came across this crowning achievement in head coverings in 2005 that I began frolicking in the fields of happy hat Narnia. Does anybody remember cutting the backing out of hats so they didn’t look like a roadside billboard? Keep in mind, I am not a member of the flat bill, big logo hat generation. I don’t leave stickers on my hat either. I spent hours with many a hat cutting out that white crap behind the logo so it would lay down enough that I could safely walk under overpasses.

This is not me. Thankfully. Take the damn sticker off your hat. Bend the bill. Hats are not made to look like a good place to sit a drink or a chessboard. When the clouds parted and a heavenly light shone upon the Franchise hats, I was hooked. My black Vandy hat is so brown from sweat and sun, I actually had people in Tennessee asking where I got a brown VU hat. This has led to purchasing EIU and White Sox hats as well.

I need to revisit physical intimidation of children for a minute. I think we’ll give it a pass if it includes holding them down, curving the bill of their hat, taking stickers off, and making sure their damn ears aren’t tucked in the hat either. Do you know who knew how to wear a hat? John Wetteland.

Crusty, dirty, and pulled down as low as possible. Today we have:

I weep for our future. It is going to be a long, hard road for this poor little girl.

4. A lot of stuff written by this guy

“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”

I’ve never really had any desire to get into bullfighting, big game hunting, or deep sea fishing. Hemingway taught me that having a few drinks can cure that particular lack of manliness. I read Hemingway on hot days so the unmanly cells in my body will have a fair chance to escape through my pores. There are some people you should take seriously. Hemingway suggested that aspiring authors never try to write about fights in their books. His rationale was that most of them would have never been in a fight and, therefore, would have no frigging chance of describing one correctly. Translation: My drinking and need to catch/kill things often led to me fighting. You are not this person. Do not try to be. Chuck Palahniuk, are you listening?

I think this is a great path to follow when trying to run a marathon. Never ran 26.2 before? Don’t try to do stuff that others, far beyond your running capabilities can do. Pretty good way to look at things. Do you remember the stupid shit you did as a kid? Yeah, my guess is that your experiences were similar to mine. I saw so and so pull it off, it’ll work for me. So, I have some great examples involving snowmobiles, four wheelers, go carts, and bikes of why you shouldn’t try stuff just because someone else is much better at it than you and was able to pull off something amazing. Oh yeah, skateboarding and roller blade related stuff fall into this category too. Funny, I never realized that I sucked at so many things as a kid.

5. Woodchuck Cider Fall Limited Release

Buy it. Buy some more so you don’t run out. Then, buy a couple more just to be safe. I know that I have at least one reader who is keen on the relationship between running and drinking. Here is my olive branch. If you haven’t had Woodchuck, try it. It doesn’t matter what kind, there are a ton of options. Asking what kind of Woodchuck is good is sort of like asking which Nickelback song sucks. All of them.

Be aware, there is a downside. You will have no idea how quickly you are going through drinks. I am not kidding. In a very short period of time, you might find yourself thinking,”Hmmm… I never noticed how good looking I am. I’m in pretty good shape too. I bet I could climb that rock face.” This is what happens when the Woodchuck lenses cover your eyes. Fortunately, it is made with stuff like fairy wings and unicorn horns. Bad moods are not allowed in the presence of Woodchuck. The only other downside to drinking the best thing made in Vermont is Woodchuck gut. I do not mean gaining weight in your midsection. Please note that an excess amount of cider does nasty things to your stomach. If you don’t want all of the next day’s meals to taste like cider, keep count of your empties.

Speaking of Vermont, at one time I saw a short bio for Bernie Sanders. He is a senator from Vermont. He listed carpenter as one of his prior jobs. Don’t ask me why I immediately put these things together. Senator Sanders is also Jewish. My first thought was how funny would it be if all his staffers had the “My boss is a Jewish carpenter” bumper stickers? You may not be laughing, but I am. I can’t help it. It would be hilarious.

So much for the non-running things I like section.